Apparently vulnerable is not a four letter word….. I am not sure that I agree sometimes.
It feels like a four letter word, spelled F-E-A-R. Last night I did not sleep well and I woke up funky. After some coffee, because pondering does not happen before coffee, I realized why. I started this blog yesterday, and my brain was consumed with the “what-ifs”. You know what-ifs. The spinning vortex of self-doubt and fear.
It just so happens I am listening to a book by Brené Brown called “Daring Greatly”, that I started Friday. This book is about vulnerability and shame and how it keeps us from living. It dawned on me while driving to work, listening to the book, that I am afraid of being vulnerable. Writing a blog and then telling everyone I am writing it opens me up to criticism, failure, being misunderstood, feeling foolish, and really feeling dumb for thinking other people might be uplifted or amused by the things that I do. Then I thought it was no mistake that I am listening to this book at this time. God is funny that way. I would have climbed out of my skin all day If it was not for this book. Thank you!! Brené Brown for letting me know I am not alone today.
Okay, so I am afraid of being vulnerable. Is there a pill for that? What does that even mean? We all like to pretend that we do not care what people think. Sometimes I think I actually convince myself that I do not care, but it is short lived. If you had asked me before I started listening to this book if I was afraid to be vulnerable, I would have said: “no, not most of the time”. I would have really believed it as well. I am a very open person by nature. The truth I have come to realize today is that I am a scared kid afraid of what you think. I am terrified of failure because if I fail then It means that I am a failure. The book so glaringly pointed out, that means I am taking my self-worth and putting it in the hands of other people. If people like my blog then they like me. If people do not like the blog then they do not like me. UGH! Seriously??
Yuck! Being vulnerable is scary and icky and necessary. It is impossible to create a picture, blog, book, business, cake, product or anything else and sharing it with anyone without being vulnerable. I would rather cut my eyes out with a rusty fork than being open to being criticized.
I wish I could tell you self-knowledge has made me all “I do not care what you think”…Ummm yeah, that is not what happened. What I did learn is that we, as a society, think being vulnerable means weakness and that I am not alone.
I look forward to finishing the book. I am not sure I “look forward” to exploring my vulnerability, acknowledging and growing because growing in my experience is painful. I have been in recovery for almost 9 years and self-improvement has been an underlying theme. Being more self-aware is a quest that is uncomfortable, messy and also rewarding and empowering when it is done of course.
I suggest Brené Brown’s book very much. Daring Greatly by Brené Brown on Amazon
What do you think being vulnerable means?